Bye Bye Mama

Hello my Sparkly Friends

I am very sad today.

I just found out my mom passed away yesterday.

Nobody told me

I found out this morning when Ashley called me from Austria

to see how I was.

When I asked her what she meant, she told me my mom had passed away yesterday.

I don't know what hurts more...

the loss ...

or the feeling of betrayal from my brother and sister.

Or telling the feelings "that I should have called more

and put away my feelings of abandonment (I was adopted)

and reached out more and told my fear of getting close because she would leave me again" to "Just Shut Up".

I guess the reason for me writing this is for those you out there- my sparkly friends- that might be holding back love because of fear.

Fear of rejection

Fear of More Loss

Fear of abandonment...

you get the picture.

Stop holding back because eventually

there wont be a

tomorrow...

loving more won't be a possibility

that window will close.

Death gives us a great perspective on what kind of people we have been being up till now,

and a chance to start acting like the people we want to be.

My mom's name was Jan. She had me when she was 17 and my sister was already 14 months old.

My adoptive parents wanted to adopt my sister too, but my mom said no.

I lived my entire life with this "vision" of my "real mom".

Don't get me wrong,

I very much loved my adoptive parents- they were my parents, but I always had this longing to connect with the person who had given me my quirky personality and my blonde hair.

When I was 35, I was reunited with her- my mom Jan at last.

I found out where my artistic abilities came from, my "bucking authority", my stubbornness, my love of animals, the great outdoors, my long legs, blonde hair and blue eyes as well. I found out that when I was first born, she had to pretend that she was keeping me and so for 8 days in the hospital she had to feed me and hold me- all the while knowing that she had to give me up.

Um, I think today they call that BONDING- and I guess we bonded which is why I had always felt a missing piece of me was out there even though I had loving adoptive parents.

She told me "Sometimes I would hold you and tell you that Don't worry I will come back to get you"...

Those words pierced my memory... like a distant familiar echo- I somewhat remembered deep in my heart her saying that.

Then, 35 years later I found myself sitting in her living room in Florida, watching Maury Povich or some show like that- looking in the audience for her...

and she was doing the same thing!

We looked at each other and started laughing that we didn't have to look for each other in talk show audiences anymore!!

So far this story sounds like a great happy ending.

Here is where my stupid fear of abandonment came pounding up my walkway and barreled down my door.

You see, my mom had a big drinking problem and as happy as I was to finally meet her, I was also scared to get too close because I would lose her again.

That my sparkly friends is the mistake I am talking about.

I wasn't able to get myself to regularly keep in touch. I didn't act like a great caring daughter.

I probably hurt her a lot by not regularly calling.

My fear took over and sometimes months passed before I would call her.

It was a lot to process and

I took the easy way out-

I procrastinated.

I avoided...

Now I can't do that anymore because she is no longer available.

I guess the whole point about writing this post is so you don't make the same mistakes I just made.

Don't be selfish with your love and by that I mean don't hold it back cause you fear getting hurt- that's just plain selfish and I can only see that now that I have made my own bed.

Feeling like I do right now is a lot worse than any hurt from "perceived loss".

Christmas is just 2 days away now.

Hug your family.

Hug your neighbors.

Hug your enemies.

Keep in touch.

I just don't know how Jesus did it all the time...

I wish I could be just a tiny bit like Him.

I guess that means forgiving my brother and sister... quite literally.

Could you please pray for me to have my heart open to forgive?

Cause right now my ego is really mad at what they did.

I don't want it to win

I want love to win

but it is really hard to stay open

when I am so used to staying shut.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas my sparkly friends...

thank you for stopping by- it warms my heart to know you are out there.